


With Magic and Money enough, many Things are Possible

by Weaselwoman



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Baby penguin robots, Character Deaths?, F/M, Fluff (sometimes), Formerly a ficlet, Frozen Pizza?, LPreg, M/M, Manipulative Loki, Marriage, Mpreg, Multi, Peer Pressure, Polyamory, Threesome, Tony is possessive of his stuff, Trust Issues, Vignettes, What the hell is Loki up to?, santa, xmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-20 21:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 10,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6025018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weaselwoman/pseuds/Weaselwoman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony's happy family life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Loki was pregnant again.

Pepper had had the first child, a girl she named Apple; not long after, Loki had borne twins (spending most of his pregnancy in his male form, just for the chance to shock any of the Avengers or their friends who were otherwise comfortable with Tony’s three-way relationship). Tony had _thought_ they had agreed that three children were enough.

Evidently not. Loki responded to the question with an insincere “Oops?” Pepper was happily catering to his nesting instincts, leaving Tony to care for Apple, Vali and Narfi, all exuberant toddlers. Polyamory evidently meant one could be surrounded by multiple screaming two-year-olds, with the “terrible threes” still to come. Oh, joy.

Christmas arrived, with a pre-padded Santa Claus in green (Loki) asking each child what they wanted, and delivering it hey! presto! via magic and Tony’s inexhaustible checkbook. Then came Tony’s turn: “And what do you want, little boy?”— Pepper giggled. Tony whispered his wish into the ear of his damned role-playing frost giant.

Doubly damned long-legged red-haired wife. When Pepper was in turn asked what she wanted, her answer was:

“What I want to know is, when will it be Tony’s turn to have a baby?”

Loki-Santa grinned wickedly.


	2. ... But not Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody's favorite anticlimax.

Tony woke up.

The room was too quiet, without the screams of children or any (much-denied) adult snores. It was too temperate: no warm T-shirted body curled up in his arms, no cold-footed blanket thief burrito-cocooned against his back. Bright light seeped below the hem of the curtains, and a whirring machine arm tried to nudge him with a cold glass of green goop.

“Jarvis? Call Pepper.”

A too-high-pitched voice responded “Sir.” Two clicks on the line, and the call connected.

“Tony?”

“Pep? Did you and Loki take the kids somewhere?”

She sighed. (If he couldn’t see her, he could still hear it, imagine it.) “Tony…”

“What? What’d I forget?”

“Tony, I’m with Happy now. You know that.”

“But…”

“We’re in the garden. What kids?”

“Mine?” _Ours_.

“Is there something I don’t know? Is Loki involved?”

Tony waved his hand, and the curtains opened. California, not New York. No snow on the ground, no jingle of snowplows far below; instead, warblers were singing in the flowering bushes.

No fat green Santa. No Apple, no Narfi, no Vali. And Pepper wasn’t his anymore.

“I’m fine,” Tony choked out, and ended the call. He ran a hand through his hair, spoke to the ceiling. “You aren’t Jarvis, are you?”

“No, sir. I’m Friday.” A woman’s voice.

“But you put the call through.”

“It sounded urgent.”

“Urgent. What day is it?”

“March 5th.”

“What year?”

She told him the wrong year. His life—should he have a baby, like his teasing spouses?—didn’t yet exist, and now never would. “Damn.” Tony stood to go to the bathroom, get ready for the day. “Call Bruce. See when he’s available to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear commenters,  
> Evidently you triggered my muse to add a bit to this.


	3. Bruce has a Couch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony visits Dr. Banner

“You know I’m not…”

“That kind of doctor? Yeah, yeah, I know…but you have this comfy couch and you’re my friend…could you just listen?”

“Tony…”

“I had this dream.”

“Nightmare?”

“No, good dream. Pepper and I had a family. The kids were loud and obnoxious…”

“…not surprising…”

“but lots of fun. And I woke up, and… no Pepper. No kids.”

Bruce polished a lens of his glasses. “Sounds like wish fulfilment. Tony, I don’t think you’re getting Pepper back.”

“It wasn’t just Pepper. Loki was there, too. I was married to both of them.”

“Both?” Was that a strangled chuckle from Bruce? “And that wasn’t a tip-off that you were dreaming?”

“No, listen—Loki had my babies too. And they both wanted me to have one, like they did.”

“You mean, as in get pregnant? You’re not built that way.”

“No shit.” Tony closed his eyes.

“Hmmm. In the dream, did you want to have a baby? Like that?”

“I hadn’t decided.”

“But is that the life you would have wanted? That dream, instead of this reality?”

“Not fair to Pepper,” Tony muttered. He was very tired, suddenly, but… “Pepper matters. She should have her own happiness; she’s been chasing mine long enough.”

“And Loki’s happiness?”

“He was just a character in a dream… his happiness doesn’t matter here.”

“Ah.” The creak of the vinyl pseudo-leather chair, as Bruce stretched. “And what about yours? Your dream, or this reality? Which would you choose?”

“You sound different,” Tony said, eyes still closed. “Is there something in that tea of yours?”

“Would you like some?”

Tony opened his eyes; Loki sat there, in Bruce’s rumpled clothes, with a teacup and a Cheshire-Cat grin. Like the grin, he slowly faded away.


	4. Conversation with a Capricious God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's assume Tony was somehow contacted...

A coffeehouse—not Starbucks, somewhere slightly grimy where they roasted their own beans, and Loki had his own blend (of course he did), more chocolately than Mocha Sunani.

And Tony at a disadvantage. He started, “Tell me about my children?”

“Yours?”

“Ours, then. Tell me about Narfi and Vali and Apple.”

“You remembered their names.”

“Of course I remembered! They wanted wagons and colored markers for Christmas, remember? And each wooden wagon had a robot in it—their own U or Dummy or Butterfingers; whoever they wanted, but plush, meeping at them … like baby penguin robots. You were having another child. Pepper wanted me to be a proper parent, I think… was that really her wish? Or yours? Anyway, I want them back.”

“Who do you want?”

“All of them, dammit! Do you have pictures? You must.”

Loki pulled a passport-sized wallet from a breast pocket, and laid four playing-card-sized pictures face up.

“This one’s only an ultrasound, I’m afraid… but you should recognize the rest.”

He did: snub-nosed, freckled Apple, with the largest voice of them all; Vali, who plotted hugs before he gave them, and would wait quietly for long minutes to ambush Tony for a cuddle; withdrawn Narfi, who insisted his robot have metal claw toenails, and who already read their childrens’ books upside-down.

“Do you know which are yours? They wanted to tell you.” A pass of Loki’s hand, and all the children sported bright marker goatees, even the fetus.

“Well,” said Tony. “That’s what I would have said. All mine.” And a glance at formal, thin Loki. “Where are they now?”

“They don’t exist,” Loki said, rising…

Tony jumped up and grabbed the extended hand reaching for the pictures. “No. You don’t do that. They exist, somewhere…Where?”

“They’ve been sold for goblins.”

“Bullshit.”

“I miss Pepper massaging my feet.”

“I’ll rub your damned toes.”

“Will you keep me in your nest, as I grow huge and weary, again; will you raise my children as yours, against all governments and gods? Will you deny us Pepper? And,—last chance,” (and he chucked Tony under the chin)—“will you bear my child, my monstrous offspring?”

“Yes; hell yes; depends on her; and no, not last chance, we need to discuss it more, come on, Loki!”

Loki turned his back and walked away, but waited for him at the door; leaned down, with an arm companionably on his shoulder, and quietly said into his ear: “Do you know, the children insisted that goatees should _tickle_?”

Another fade-out: but a message on his Stark phone (and it shouldn’t even have that spidery font) said: _Talk to Pepper_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments! Believe it or not, they are helping to drive this fiction...I don't know what all is coming.
> 
> And "sold for goblins" is my little homage to _Labyrinth_.


	5. Conversation with a Sensible CEO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tony is not the whole of Pepper's universe...

“Once upon a time,” Tony started, “you were married to me. We had three children, one on the way, and another one up for discussion.”

“I had five children? When was this?”

“No, you only had one of them. Our other spouse had three—two and a half—and I was thinking… doesn’t matter. You had a daughter named Apple.”

“ _What_ other spouse?”

“Think Happy would agree to a three-way?”

“Not with you involved. What other spouse?”

“Uh, Loki.”

“Is that why you asked if Loki and I had taken the children?”

“You remembered _that_?”

“Tony…”

“Yeah, umm. I had what I thought was a vivid dream; I woke up and missed the kids. I missed you all. Turns out the kids are really out there, somewhere, somehow, and Loki can bring them home.” He paused, hating to beg, but… “Come back to me?”

“You and Loki?”

“We’re negotiating. Please?”

“Tony.” His strong willed competent CEO. “No. Not without Happy. He won’t go near Loki, and I can’t blame him.”

“Loki has some, … uh, talents he might appreciate.” Tony waggled his eyebrows like Groucho Marx.

“No.”

“In fact, I’d go so far as to suggest Loki could make both of you satisfied at the same time.”

“Are you pimping him? No!”

“Yeah, his condition,” Tony muttered. “Still, you could mention it to Happy. From wannabe ruler of the world to your personal sex slave. Wouldn’t hurt.” Hell, he’d gone off-track; there was a more important point here. Pepper stared; Tony cleared his throat and started over. “Apple was your daughter.”

“You mean your daughter?”

“But yours, too. Wouldn’t you just… I don’t know … want to meet her? See what’s she’s like?”

“You’ve met her. What was she like?”

“Loud,” Tony admitted. “Full of herself. Lovable. And she has two cute brothers.”

“Tony…”

“Just think about it, okay?”

“Tony, Happy and I haven’t even decided whether we’ll have children, much less when. If I surprise him with three loud kids, maybe he’ll never want any!”

“Or maybe he’ll fall in love. Like I did.”

“With them.”

“Them. You. And Loki.”

Pepper had learned Tony’s run-the-fingers-through-the-hair gesture and was using it now. “I have to think about this.” Grabbed her bag, tossed a handful of bills on the table. “I’ll get in touch with you. The phones may not be secure for this. Don’t call me, okay?”

Tony was left behind again. _If Pepper won’t play, what’s Plan B_?


	6. Conversation with a Practical Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would Happy do?

“Happy, can we get together? Do lunch? I’ll pay.”

“Let me check my schedule,” Happy said; they agreed on a day and time.

 

“Look, um, you know I’ve done some wild things,” Tony started.

“You want me to join in or to fix things?”

“No, No! Nothing like that. Just listen, okay?”

Happy waited with crossed arms; a waitress came by, and hovered; Tony pointed at something on the menu and Happy ordered a roast beef sandwich with fries. They waited for the food, then Happy scarfed his down, and Tony played with his. (Goat cheese and pomegranate salad with poi chips? _Oh, well._ )

“So,” Happy said, restarting the conversation.

“So. Anyway. A while back, I, uh, got involved with a family.”

“I know about Harley.”

“Yeah, I’m not talking about Harley. That kid has his head screwed on straight. This was another family. The woman looked like Pepper.”

A quick look of betrayal on Happy’s face; he was loyal to Pepper no matter who she was with.

“You two-timed her?”

“Uh, not exactly.”

“’Cuz Pepper said they were her and Loki.”

“Not exactly Pepper—you know the Trousers of Time theory? so, um, _almost_ Pepper; but yeah, Loki.” Tony paused. “Anyway, kids are involved, and I want them back.”

“So it’s a fix things situation. But kids, Tony? I thought you were more careful than that.”

“Hey, come on—if Pepper wanted kids, would you say no?”

Evidently Happy was made of sterner stuff than Tony. “We haven’t decided yet.”

_Or thought he was_. “Well, when she decides, you’ll decide the same way she does. I guarantee it.”

“So, your kids—why come to me?”

“Advice? Support? Hell, Happy, what would you do?”

“Not get involved with Loki!”

“That’s the consensus, but it’s a little late for that.”

“What does _he_ want?”

Tony winced. “To get back together?”

“Well, it’s legal now.”

“Yeah, but he has a price.”

“So here’s my advice. If it costs too much, tell him to fuck off. Get the Avengers back together. But if you want the kids, and you want them to like you, then pay the price. Don’t let your ex poison their minds.” Happy looked at his Rolex, and stood up. “Gotta go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "Trousers of Time" theory is Terry Pratchett's version of the multiverse created by individual decisions. Given the choice X or Y, if you choose X you go down one leg of the Trousers of Time; if you choose Y, you go down the other.


	7. Happy Feet

Tony dreamed he was asleep. _This is a stupid dream_ , he thought, and woke up. His feet were warm—that was the first thing he noticed, in the dark; and of course they were, with no damned blanket-hog sharing his bed… but he was standing on them, juggling something roundish atop them. The strange ball was also warm, under his fluffy belly; and the wind was whistling cold around his ears.

_I was asleep standing up?_

Tony looked around; he had a lot of neighbors, and they were also asleep on their feet, dozing with their heads down and soft snores – he’d missed those snores, sleeping alone; then one woke up.

And meeped.

He recognized that voice. “Dummy?”

A chirrup from the fluffy shape.

“Where’s your fire extinguisher?”

It whined, shifting from foot to foot, and flapping its arms—two arms, not one—hummed sadly, then bent its beaked head down, solicitously, to roll around… an egg. That sat on its feet.

Dark night, cold wind, cliffs behind them, and thank God no sense of smell…he recognized this movie. _March of the Happy Feet_ , or something. Penguins.

“Butterfingers? U?”

Two other nearby shapes roused from their naps, woke with small stretches. And then checked their feet. More eggs.

Relief flooded through him. Apple, Vali and Narfi were all there, safe in the robots’ eggs. Loki and Pepper must have gone off to the feeding grounds, leaving their precious offspring protected. Then what was Tony juggling?

He stretched forward, spread his feet and nudged with his beaky nose. Another egg. _But why was it glowing green, and pulsing_?

He lifted his head back and screamed, raucous and unhuman; felt a _thunk_ against the back of his head. (The headboard.) And was, finally, really awake.


	8. Conversation with a Put-upon Scientist.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tony asks a lot of questions.

“Can I get pregnant?” Tony asked.

Bruce said no. “If you want a baby, ask your partner” [“That’s a no.”] “or a surrogate.”

“Can a man get pregnant?”

“If he was a woman before, and still has all the parts, then yes, he can.”

Never challenge an engineer. “Parts, huh. Which parts are needed?”

Bruce took a breath. “Traditionally, you need genetic information (a sperm and an egg cell), a safe place to grow (the uterus) and a nutrient delivery system (the placenta). The developing cell divides into the embryo and its own placenta; so the problem is having a safe place to grow.”

“Is that always a uterus?”

“There’s something called an ectopic pregnancy, when the embryo implants somewhere outside the uterus. It’s rare and always very dangerous.”

“But could a man have one? Ectopic?”

Bruce raises his eyebrows.

Tony added, “If Loki’s involved?”

“Hold it. We have to change sciences here, bro. Logic.” Bruce pulled out a napkin and a pen, drew boxworks. “Consider a truth table, premises and conclusions. If a premise is true, so is the conclusion. Right?” He drew:

True --> True

“But if the conclusion is true, that doesn’t mean the premise is true.” Added:

True <\-- True or False or ? 

“If the conclusion is false, that means the premise must be false. (That’s why the criterion for testing scientific theories is falsifiability.)” Drew:

False <\-- False 

“And finally, if the premise is false, it can lead to a false conclusion, a true conclusion, or anything.” Drew:

False --> anything

“So. Which is Loki?” Bruce circled the last statement. “Loki is the God of Lies. _Anything_ is possible to him. To you? Maybe not.”

Tony waited.

“Tony.” Bruce sighed. “I said dangerous. I meant _usually fatal_ to parent and/or child. You are already a hero. You don’t need to risk your life that way.”

“But if it was for some other lives? Say, three or four children? What would a hero do then?”

“Be smart enough not to bet lives against Loki! Tony. What happens to these hypothetical children if you die?”

“They are real children,” Tony pouted.

“Still…”

“Let’s say a _hypothetical_ man was stupid enough to make this deal with Loki. Could you set up a support network? What would it take? Money no object.”

“Tony…. You want me to turn green, don’t you?”

“No, won’t help, your hands would be too big for the delivery. Just look into it, would you?”

Tony patted Bruce on the shoulder— _goatees tickle_ —and walked out.


	9. Shit gets real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to up the age rating and add specific warnings. Heads up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Trigger warnings for a relationship with a very unequal distribution of power. Seriously. If Tony wants something, he has to bargain with a manipulative, fey, and unpredictable god; if Loki wants something, he snaps his fingers and–poof—gets it. 
> 
> Also, M/M sex.

Loki was waiting at his coffee shop. “Well?”

“Let’s go have wild baby-making sex.”

 

It _was_ wild. Loki let Tony take the lead; and Tony relied on experience, kissing into his mouth, then kissing other body parts, then other things happened; until he found himself balls-deep in Loki’s glorious hole, pumping into his ass as Loki clenched around him. Tony came with a shout and—was Loki crying?

Later that night, Loki’s turn, deep and twisting and finding the right spot in Tony’s ass…when Tony felt a scratching fingernail.

Tony was never capable of silence. “Is that your finger in my navel?”

“No,” Loki said, draped atop him, belly-to-belly, with Tony’s legs spread wide and Loki deep inside him. “It’s an ovipositor.”

“A _what_?” Suddenly Tony was deflated, clenching in distrust.

“Relax,” Loki said. “An ovipositor. How else would I deposit a fertilized egg?”

“Stop. Just stop.”

“All right.” The pleasant weight atop him paused. “But you do want to confirm your part in our arrangement, do you not? A monster for me, your children for you..?”

“Yeah, yeah…” But Tony’s head wasn’t in the game any more. _Loki Laysmith_ , he thought idly, and tried not to laugh…”Tell me what’s going on.”

“Very well.” Loki kissed his forehead, like an affectionate cat licking a trapped mouse. He started to thrust, tickling his prostate in emphasis. “You _don’t_ have _eggs_ , so I _can’t_ use _yours_ ; you _don’t_ have _ov_ aries, to _make_ the _eggs_ ; you _don’t_ have a _ut_ erus, to _grow_ a _child_ ; you _don’t_ have a vag _in_ a, to _let_ semen _in_ ; you _don’t_ have a _fist_ ula, to con _nect_ to a vag _in_ a; so _reg_ ular sex _won’t_ work. But _in_ sects have _ways_ to lay _eggs_ in their _hosts_ , so the _eggs_ will grow _up_. _That_ is _what_ I am _do_ ing.”

“Makes sense,” Tony grunted; then he felt a lovely tickle deep inside, and came, screaming as a sharp blade punched into his navel, and as Loki came, pulsing inside him.

Loki pulled away, and Tony’s semen stung in the new open wound; his amorous partner licked up the semen and blood covering his belly, and kissed him fiercely, spreading blood and other fluids across his face.

“What the hell… what the hell was that,” Tony panted.

“I’ll explain in the morning.”

And Loki collapsed atop him, dead weight.


	10. A what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki explains a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N. Yeah. Google “ovipositor” with safe-mode off, and see the sex toy version for yourself.

“An ovipositor,” Tony said dubiously, having already checked the Internet.

“Insects have them,” Loki said, delicately eating half a grapefruit. “They lay their eggs in the appropriate hosts that way.”

“And you know because…?”

“Oh, consult your Norse fables. I’ve been a stinging fly, and a flea once…did you know that fleas are born pregnant? The hormonal experience is amazing. Of course, one is always hungry…”

“You put eggs in me?”

“One egg. One.”

“In my ass?”

“No, that would compromise your digestive system. I placed it behind the omentum. It’s approximately the traditional position, and should cause no harm.”

“So where are my children?”

“Show me you love _our_ children. Show me you can protect them against governments and gods. You have nine months to do so, or I’ll take them back.”

“And how do I know you’ll live up to _your_ _part_ of the bargain?”

“Oh, very well; you can have them now. Provisionally. They will arrive tomorrow.”

 

Tony’s next stop was Dr. Bruce.

“You’re kinda that kind of doctor, so examine me now:” was how Tony put it.

So Bruce did, after Tony stripped and lay flat on a table.

“Well, you’re still bleeding a bit from the insertion site,” Bruce said. “It will stop soon; you don’t need stitches.”

“What else is going on?”

“What else? A space alien injected a fertilized egg inside your body cavity. That’s parasitism.”

“It was consensual.”

“ _What_?”

“Look, only Loki can get my kids back. This is what he wanted. I said yes.”

“You realize this is almost unprecedented.”

“The _Alien_ movies?”

“And look how that turned out.”

“It’s not in my chest.”

“No,” Bruce said, double-checking machine results with a stethoscope. “But it’s already integrated into your system. I can hear a beating heart.”

Tony sat up. “Tell me what I need to do. Keep me alive.” Splayed his hand across his belly. “Keep _this_ alive. I want my kids.”

 

The next step was to call his long-suffering CEO. “Pepper, I need a nursery set up in the Malibu house. Before tomorrow. Plan for three three-year-olds, for now.”


	11. Return of the Robots (by popular request)

The next day, a private Stark plane with an undisclosed passenger list flew from New York to Santa Monica Airport. The baggage included three wooden carts; soon, Loki emerged at the top of the ramp with three children holding yellow, pink and blue plush robots. Yellow Butterfingers: that was shy Vali, clinging to Loki’s leg; pink U was held by Narfi, looking defiant and protective; blue Dummy was held loosely in one hand by curious Apple, looking at everything around her with bright eyes.

She spotted Tony first. “Daddy!”

“Don’t run; you’ll fall,” said Loki, and she carefully made her way down the ramp, one hand on the handrail; ran at the bottom. “Daddy!” she said again, and hugged him with her free arm and her robot.

“Apple!” said Tony in return, in dark glasses and with a big grin. “Where you been, sweetheart?”

“New York,” she said, and by then the others had caught up. All quiet competence, Happy was loading the luggage in the big car.

“Vali! Narfi!” Each must get their own hug, while Loki held the robots. Then Apple led the charge to choose a favorite seat in the back of the car.

“Do I get a hug?” Loki asked quietly.

“Depends,” said Tony, watching the kids. “Where were you keeping them?”

“Well, you have the best daycare...”

Tony boggled. “ _You were keeping them at Stark Industries daycare_?!?” _I could have had them all along_?

“As I said, I thought it best.”

“Thank you,” Tony said, and hugged his mercurial deity in sudden gratitude. _A deal you_ could _have made was not reality, after all_. “It’s good to have them home.”

 

His Jotunn wanted a nest; Tony bought the biggest round bed sold in Las Vegas, built it a low-rimmed frame and provided a puzzle-piece mountain of variously sized pillows. Let Loki make a nest out of that.

(Which he did, with nearly every blanket in Tony’s house also disappearing into the pile.)

“Sleep with me,” Loki invited.

“I don’t see how you can sleep like this,” Tony complained.

“You’ll understand, soon enough.”

 

Tony was complaining a lot, lately. Today he was complaining to Bruce, who was preparing yet another hormone shot. (They were a literal pain in the butt, and were messing with his emotions besides. Tony didn’t care for the tears, and was _very_ glad Pepper was in charge of Stark Industries—and that he wasn't—when the sudden rages struck him.)

“Tony? You’re going to hurt, all the time. I can give you pills for the regular pain, but if that doesn’t help, call Dr. Olivier at the hospital immediately. A uterus doesn’t just protect the baby: it contains the whole amniotic system and protects the mother from the baby’s movement. You _don’t have_ containment, except for your skin. And a moving fetus can yank on nerves and blood vessels. You could bleed out and drop dead at any time.”

“Wonderful,” Tony said.

“Well, maybe not yet; but as the baby gets bigger….”

“Loki calls it a monster.”

“It could be one. Program Friday to call me if anything happens: pain, bleeding, low oxygen, low blood pressure, you stop breathing…”

“You mean I need a baby monitor.”

“No, you need a _Tony_ monitor. I’m _your_ Doctor, not the baby’s.”

 

Tony was also throwing up regularly. Loki appeared to be immune, but held cold compresses and scritched Tony’s head as he suffered. “Why am I doing this, again? Making you a monster?”

“Every gift has its price,” Loki said. “I paid for Mjolnir, and Gungnir, and Sif’s hair; you are paying for your children. The fates drive hard bargains.”

 

It turned out Loki’s nest _was_ much more comfortable for a variably aching back. Tony had it moved into his room, and thereafter they slept together.


	12. On Juggling the Fates of Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does time work again? How does destiny?

“When were the kids born, in the dream? Friday, what day is it? I’d have to start brewing them about… now…son of a bitch.”

“We’re making your damned kids now, aren’t we?” Pointing two fingers at Loki’s still-flat belly. “Well? You have Narfi and Vali in there? Am I carrying Apple?”

“Tony,” bed-head Loki said with a sigh. “Yes, you are pregnant, and so am I. But not with Narfi or Apple or Vali. They are sleeping in their room, remember? I am carrying your child. Pepper’s child. You are carrying my monster.”

 

Three children sharing a bed, pleasantly sleeping; tomorrow, they will start day care at Stark Industries West.

Loki pointed, one by one. “So. A slut, a dim-witted pedophile, and a mass-murderer. How will you prevent their fates?”

“Wait, what? Why would she become a slut?”

“Her parentage.”

“Hey! Pepper’s no slut.”

“Ah, but her father is a man-whore, is he not? How else would the spoiled princess daughter of a spoiled prince act?”

And Vali?

“He’s tactophilic.” (True, he had rubbed all the fur off plush Butterfingers before Tony came back into his life.) “And compared to the others, he’s hopelessly slow.”

“Einstein didn’t speak until he was three,” Tony said stubbornly. “Vali gets to grow and mature at his own rate.

“And don’t you think mass-murderer is a bit harsh?”

“I have a proclivity for sharp things; you, for explosions. Narfi has inherited both. So how will you protect them all, little Stark? How will you protect the world from them?”


	13. Tony fucks up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See title.

Maybe alcohol helps with the pain, when your lady has long ago left you for another, taking your company with her; when your new lover is not interested in love, or anything else, but bouncing children on his still-flat belly (and how was that even possible?); when your children scream in your presence, and you always have a hangover headache that surely a little hair of the dog would cure; and when your spouse? co-parent? has taken the kids far from you to have some fun on their own (I _could_ have taken them to Disneyland, Tony had pouted in argument; but no…)

In short, life sucks; my clothes don’t fit; my ass is sore; nobody loves me…and here’s an unopened bottle of _very tasty_ scotch.

“Hey, Rhodes? You’ve got a back-up driver, don’t you? Mine is out of town, can you send yours my way?”

 

“Where you headed?” The clean-cut driver asked.

What’s your favorite bar?” Tony said, having huffed his way (sweatpants and a man-purse) into the back of the military car. “Wait—better question—is there someone you want to impress with your Mad Social Skillz? Give her a call, and let’s go party.” And—worse thought—“does she have a friend?”

 

The night didn’t so much slide into chaos as start there, slamming-dunking off new heights of ridiculousness. Maybe taking on all the thrill rides in Las Vegas, with a bigger entourage and a bigger supply of alcohol each time, wasn’t the best idea in the world. But he’d proved you could achieve the mile-high-club backwards on a looping roller-coaster.

He awoke when the sun reflected off a mirror-windowed high-rise exactly into his eyes. Tony had a _bad_ headache, no pills, no vitamins, (no kids, no Loki,) odd perfume-and-sex-and-barf scented satin sheets, and an all-over sheen of sweat on his body. Three hundred miles from home, with no driver, no car, and three sets of twin chorus girls. A glass of water, a call for orange juice and coffee, a shower: then a call out.

“Hey, Rhodey? Can you get me home?”

And managed not to dry-heave _too much_ during the ride outside the War Machine armor.


	14. Paying the Piper?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He who pays the piper calls the tune;" but if the piper exacts payment, it may not be the version you expect...

When they arrived in Malibu, Loki was waiting at the door. Tony stumbled out of Rhodey’s grasp, and watched him wave a salute and take off. Which left the spouse(?) at the door…

Loki was white-lipped with rage, and damned near incandescent.

“What was _that_ about?” This angry, Loki didn’t shout.

Tony went with the Vince Lombardi defense: offense. Said with an off-hand grin: “You all were gone, and I needed a night out. Any problem with that?”

“You risked…”

“My body, my choices. Right?”

“You risked _my_ monster. _And_ our agreement.”

Tony tried to brush past him. _Keep up a brave front_. “Yeah, maybe we should renegotiate that… tomorrow.” Closed the door in Loki’s face.

 

The next morning’s hangover was even worse, but at least Tony had his pill supply, and robots to make him green goo to drink. The house was quiet, though; shouldn’t the kids be up by now? And why was the door to the spare bedroom open?

Tony looked inside: empty, but sheets and towels were strewn across the floor. Evidently Loki had slept here, not in their nest.

Tony was re-thinking the previous day’s strategy— _you really thought pissing off a god was a good idea?_ —when he came into the kitchen. Loki was there, standing alone, drinking tea and eating dry toast.

Loki said, “You said something about renegotiating?” He didn’t look too good, either.

“I just needed to blow off steam,” Tony said. _Time to apologize, if not grovel_. “I’m sorry.”

“Do you not know the effects of alcohol? Would you really have killed my child, _to blow off steam_?”

“Ohmigod.” He _hadn’t_ thought. “Is the kid still okay?”

“My monster,” Loki sniffed, and put a hand on Tony’s shirt front. Exhaled. “Fortunately, monsters are hard to kill.”

_Thank god_.

Loki continued, “But you tried…” Green eyes narrowed, and the same hand held Tony suspended by the throat.

Tony threw his hands wide. Choked out, “If I die, your monster dies.”

Loki dropped him.

Tony started again, “Look, I’m human. I’m _only_ human. I make mistakes. We all do.”

“And you believe I owe you redemption, is that it?”

“No. I believe I get to try again. I get to try to _fix_ things, even if I _can’t_ fix the things I broke. You wanna forgive, it’s up to you. But either way, I’ll try to do better.”

“Do or do not…”

“Stuff it, Yoda! Midichlorians don’t work that way, outside the movies. People don’t.”

Loki said quietly, _You do not deserve them._ Snapped his fingers, and faded away.


	15. Not Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is in the kimchee, but how deep?

The children were gone—their room, the lab, the whole house, hell, even the beach: all were empty. Loki had not re-appeared. And Tony felt very queasy, for some reason. A hand pressed to his gut found … nothing. Ten minutes later, Tony was on his knees before the porcelain throne, vomiting and shitting blood into his pants. “Friday! Call Bruce first, then 911. Now!”

_How the hell do you have a miscarriage when there’s no way for the kid to come out_? Maybe he was vomiting it up…

 

He didn’t remember fainting, or the ride to the hospital, but here he was in a closed ward, far from any lurking paparazzi. A nurse came in, removed the IV line replacing his fluids, checked his blood pressure, made some notes on a Stark Pad, and walked out.

Hurry up and wait. Someone dressed like a medical doctor came in, complete with stethoscope around his neck.

Tony asked, “Are you Dr. Olivier?” (No, he hadn’t bothered to meet his surgical team yet.)

“I’m another colleague of Dr. Banner’s. Dr. Rose.” Why did the Doctor look so much like Obie? “What’s going on?”

Tony rubbed his face. “I may be still hungover.” Looked at the doctor. “No? Anyway, I got drunk a couple days ago—stupid mistake—and my spouse took the kids and went away. This morning I might have miscarried.”

Dr. Rose lifted an eyebrow. “You’re pregnant?”

“I was. I _hope_ I still am.”

“Uh-huh. Is your spouse also pregnant, by any chance?”

“Yeah, not that you’d notice. Tall, skinny bastard. But I’m missing the kids, and I don’t know where he took them. Last time was New York.”

“He?”

Tony glared. “You heard me. I need an all-point-bulletin, an Amber alert, whatever, for three three-year olds. Two dark-haired boys, Vali and Narfi; one redheaded girl, Apple.”

“Triplets?”

“The boys are twins. The girl had a different mom.”

The doctor wrote things down, on paper (with a pencil), _not_ a Stark Pad. “I see. We’ll have to get back to you about that. In the meantime, you should rest.”

“I need my pills and a hormone shot. Check with Dr. Banner.”

“Oh, I will,” said Dr. Rose, and left.


	16. Phantom Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony: Delusional or Just Plain Wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This and the previous chapter were inspired by Missy_the_Alchemist’s comment on Chapter 4. Ginnie is based on a real dog who belonged to my aunt.

And although Tony had no more guests that day (or night), Bruce was at his bedside the next day. “What’s going on?” Tony asked. “Where are my drugs?”

Bruce was looking at him in confusion. “What drugs? Dr. Rose passed on the request but I didn’t understand it.”

“The painkillers? The vitamins? The hormones? My kid won’t grow itself.”

“Your kid? Tony, you’re not pregnant.”

_I lost it. Loki will kill me._ “Don’t tell me that, Bruce! I was, now I’m not? No! What happened?”

“Tony.” Bruce was looking green around the gills, but still held onto his calm. “Easy, Tony. You never were pregnant. We think this idea could be a reaction to the drinking. We hope, anyway. Can I tell you a story?”

_Huh_? “Sure. Shoot.”

“There was a time, when I was a kid, when my parents separated. We hoped my dad was out of our lives. Anyway, we moved to a new small town, even got a dog. A little bitch named Ginnie. But she got out at the wrong time and got pregnant, and the vet in town fixed her. No puppies. No chance of puppies, ever again.

“The trouble was, Ginnie didn’t know that. She knew her puppies were somewhere; she just had to find them. She looked and sniffed all around the house. (We wouldn’t let her outside.) Finally she found a pair of my stinkiest, wadded-up socks, that I’d lost behind a dresser. She took the socks into her dog bed. She licked them and tried to nurse them. Ginnie was convinced those socks were her puppies, and there was nothing we could do to change her mind.”

Tony frowned. “What happened to her?”

“My dad almost found us. We moved in the middle of the night, and left Ginnie with our next-door neighbor. She was a nice lady.”

“Did she get to keep the socks?” Tony folded his arms.

“ _What_?”

“Ginnie. Did she get to keep her socks, her puppies? ‘Cuz if you’re saying my children are only misplaced socks, then I gotta ask where are they.”

“Tony. It may just be a problem with your mind.”

“No,” Tony said. “I reject that. Ask Pepper, ask Happy. I have children and _I want them back_.”

 

When Pepper arrived that afternoon, she didn’t remember any children, either. “You built me a nursery!” Tony shouted, and got a silent, sad-eyed look from Pepper before she ran out of his room.

Dr. Rose came in soon after, looking at a data pad (still not a Stark Pad), with the first nurse and a big orderly accompanying him. “Here’s the tentative diagnosis. You have Couvade Syndrome, alias Male Pseudocyesis; plus another delusion. Phantom children. We’ll check your brain for physical damage in the morning; if there’s no evidence, we’ll start you off on some mild anti-psychotic medication. Sound good?”

“No,” Tony pouted. “Have you talked to Pepper?”

“We just did. If you are not competent she has your medical power of attorney.”

(Yeah, she did; he hadn’t designated his oh-so-illegal alien partner his executor. Yet. If ever.) “I need to think,” Tony said. “And frankly, I do my best thinking on my feet. I haven’t had any exercise in the last coupla days. Is there any place I can walk?”

“Brownfield?” Dr. Rose addressed the orderly. “Can you take Mr. Stark down the south corridor? Let him stretch his legs a bit.”

“Thanks,” said Tony. The nurse unfastened his restraints (when had _those_ happened?), and Tony climbed out of bed in his bare-assed glory to go on a walk.

 

“Brownfield? You want a smoke? I can stay in here while you go outside, if you want.” Brownfield didn’t _know_ Tony was insane after all, just slightly brain-hurt, right? Brownfield opened the door and stepped outside; Tony ran for a nearby one-hole bathroom and locked the door behind him.

Shouted at the ceiling. “ _Loki! Okay, I fucked up! I'm sorry! I've learned. Let me show you that I learned my mistake. Bring me my family! Please!”_

And there in the hospital bathroom, wearing a smocked lab coat and leaning against the wall, was his dark-haired godling. “You said the magic word,” Loki smiled. And snapped his fingers.


	17. The New Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper meets Apple; also, sexy times

The hormones were making Tony’s beard sparse. He looked at his morning face in the mirror. “Should I try Rogaine?” he asked Loki’s reflection.

“I think the local recommendation is marker pen,” Loki said, and kissed him.

 

A rare meeting at Stark Day Care, Santa Monica branch: “Thank you for coming,” Tony said quietly.

Pepper said, “Please don’t make me regret this.”

“I don’t want to hurt Apple, and I think anything I’d do that you would regret would hurt her, too. So, there’s that.”

“Where’s Happy?”

“With Loki and the boys. Loki invented a better ball pit and they want to show it off.”

“A ball pit?”

“With forced air below it, and soap bubbles. And regular balls, but kids can fly in it, too.”

“That sounds … innovative.”

“Yeah, makes me wish I’d invented it. Except if I had, you’d own it. Now you have to negotiate for it.”

“I’d check the nepotism clauses in your contract, if I were you.”

“Yes, dear,” Tony sighed. “But meantime, here’s my daughter. Apple, this is Ms. Potts, the CEO of Stark Industries. Pepper, this is Apple.”

The loud child was oddly silent, holding out a hand. Pepper shook it. “Pleased to meet you.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Apple echoed. She turned to Tony. “She looks like I know her.”

“Well, she’s my boss, sweetie; and she looks like your mother.”

Apple grabbed Pepper’s hand back. “I used to have a mother, but she couldn’t come with us. Will you be my Mommy?”

“Now, sweetheart,” Tony started, but Pepper crouched down to the girl’s level. “Who do you have now?”

“My Daddy, and my Loki.”

“You know, some people only have two parents.”

“Also adopted parents? Step parents?” Tony said.

Pepper gave him an annoyed look. “Some people only have one parent. Or none. Two is a lot.”

“But I have to share them with my brothers!”

“Well, if I were your Mommy, you’d have to share me, too.”

“Oh.”

“You know,” Pepper said, “You have two parents _and_ two brothers. And Tony tells me there’s another one on the way. So you have _lots_ of people in your family.”

“And the robots,” Tony added. “And your friends here.”

“Do friends get to be family?”

“Sometimes,” Pepper said. “If they want to.”

“Then _please_ think about being in my family,” Apple said.

Pepper looked at her watch. “Tony, I think we have to go now.”

“Yeah. She’ll think about it,” he told Apple. “Be good, sweetheart. Blow something up.”

“Yes, Daddy,” she said, and waved bye-bye.

 

Once out of view and hearing range, Pepper turned to Tony. “Did you put her up to that?”

“No, but my ham-handed co-parent might have. Anyway, she didn’t bite you, she didn’t cry on you, she didn’t throw up on you, she didn’t even yell. No harm, no foul. Will that be all, Ms. Potts?”

“That will be all, Mr. Stark.”

 

Loki finally looks pregnant, and stands in a by-now characteristic pose, hands pressed against the small of his aching back. His navel had become an outie, which Tony found adorable; but Loki would sit cross-legged like a grumpy Buddha, and scowl.

 

“Hey, my back hurts, too,” Tony pointed out one evening, as he massaged (per agreement) Loki’s elegant bare feet.

Loki said, “You’re too tense. You need to relax.” Twisted on the couch to put his head in Tony’s lap. “Let me milk you.” Loki pulled down the front of Tony’s pants, reached around with that mobile tongue to lick a stripe along his dick, and then swallowed it whole. And sucked. It was a _very_ relaxing blow job, as promised.


	18. Luigi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of plumbers, kings, and the _Lokasenna_

Tony’s baby bump had become evident far sooner (relatively) than Loki’s. While Loki was long-lined and elegant, mannerist-looking in his glowing pregnancy, Tony wore overalls in the lab (covering the otherwise inevitable gap between shirt and sweatpants) and looked like a berry disguised as one of the Super Mario Brothers. He checked his look in the full-length mirror. “Well, shave my beard and call me Luigi.”

“The All-Father would say your soul is unmanly,” Loki said.

“I’ll bet,” said Tony, still admiring his own profile. But looked at the reflection of his (elegant, mopey) co-parent. “Is that from personal experience?”

“Yes.”

“I bet we can find some comfortable positions, even if we are unmanly. Come on.”

 

Bruce visited. “How’s life in the maternity ward, Tony?”

Tony just grinned. He’d found a few interesting and _very rewarding_ positions.

Loki swanned through the room. Bruce called out to him: “And how are you doing?”

“Like a galleon in full sail, doctor.” Swanned out.

“And I’m the tugboat that follows after,” Tony sighed. “I’m fatter than him, and he had a head start! How is this fair?”

 

Middle-of-the-night inspiration, and Tony in his berry-Luigi overalls disappeared into the lab. Pepper visited two days later.

“What’s this about?”

“Sudden craving,” Tony said, not looking up from his welding.

“Pickles in your ice cream? Are you making a refrigerator?”

“Maternity armor.”

“For a specialized market,” Pepper suggested. “I doubt Rhodey needs a suit like this.”

“Yeah, it’s too clumsy, though. Bad enough I’m clumsy.”

 

Loki had the useful inspiration: a Holbein portrait of the English king Henry the VIIIth. “As he got fatter, they tailored his clothes to emphasize his shoulders instead,” Loki said, “He developed quite a compensatory superstructure.”

“Reroute some systems, move the big power sources into the shoulder area; yeah, that’d work.” Tony absently kissed him. “Thanks, gorgeous.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The _Lokasenna_ is the beginning of the end for Loki in the Norse myths. Uninvited, he crashes a party and insults everyone there. Odin accuses him of playing housewife, saying "unmanly is thy soul." Loki retorts that Odin has disguised himself as an old woman sorceress to learn their secrets, so his soul is unmanly, too. In then-hyper-hetero Scandinavia, those were fightin' words.


	19. How'd we get here, anyway?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Where did you get the children, Loki?”

But Tony still woke up with—if not the bad dreams (his belly swelling huge with that pulsing green glow; or trying to give birth, hyena-like, though his penis)—then at least unsettled thoughts. One was: _Where did the children come from?_

So, over breakfast: “Where did you get the children, Loki?”

And Loki put down his fork, took a swallow of chocolate decaf coffee, and declaimed.

“Somewhen in the swirls of probability, twins were born to my wife Sigyn. They were doomed to be destroyed: one would devour the other in a frenzy, then he would be slain, and his brother-filled guts made into my fetters. I thought, with a different parent, with better understanding, _perhaps_ someone who cared for the merest robots could care for my cuddle-monster; and that someone who could harness for good the angry darkness in his own soul could domesticate my brilliant wolf. So I decided to trust you, instead.”

“That’s two. Where did Apple come from?”

“Four out of five fertilized eggs slip unnoticed from the womb. I merely stole one.”

“No. You did not. Where did Apple come from?”

“Forgive me; I lied. You were not the only Tony Stark in the probability stream. There was one who grew up without Maria’s love—she went mad too soon—without Edwin Jarvis’ guidance—he was cashiered early and deported to Britain. The boy grew up with only angry, womanizing Howard as a role model, and learned that women were to be used—neither appreciated nor promoted. When Pepper Potts came into his life, he saw her competence as secretarial, her beauty as seducible; and she found herself pregnant. Howard characterized her as a gold-digger. Tony fired her and would not give her a job recommendation. Her family renounced her. She spent the last of her savings waiting for Apple to be born, and then found herself unable to part with the child. Pepper was standing on a bridge with Apple in her arms, ready for suicide, when I found them and brought them into your dream.”

“Where’s that Pepper, now?”

“She faded away when your dream ended. Do not mourn her—she had two years of a happy life, surrounded by loved ones; without your dream, she would not have had that.”

“Why, Loki? Why fuck with fate? Why bring me misfits?”

“Because I thought we could save these ones!”

“Out of how many chances out there? Why do you even care?”

Loki bowed his head. “Because my soul is unmanly.”

 

 _But why involve me_? Tony thought, traitorously. _Why fuck up my life with your—or another Tony’s—kids_? And thought back to his conversation with Bruce. _Wait. I decided to do this. Me, the hero_. He patted his own belly, absently. _Are you fucking with my thought processes, Monster_?

 

Tony re-measured himself, and sighed. For all its impressive superstructure, the Henry the VIIIth armor still had to be bigger to hold Tony and his monster baby. More room was needed at the waist, and it would not do to scant the armor protection there… maybe vertical stripes would make it look slimmer. He could hope.


	20. Two little scenes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's whiplashing emotions and jack'o'lantern armor

Tony felt he was a hero; then Tony felt he was a martyr. For someone else’s religion, not his. _Why the hell was he doing this?_

Finally, he exploded.

“You petulant, blackmailing son-of-a-bitch!”

The kids were at daycare. That meant the grown-ups were free to fight things out.

“I?” asked Loki. “I, who could have been content in your dream world…”

“Yeah, why aren’t you? Why bother me? Where’s _your_ perfect Tony, anyway?”

Loki sighed. “There is no better Tony. There is only you.”

 

 

By Halloween, the “Henry the VIIIth Armor,” for possible events when Tony was too bulky to fight in anything smaller (and the Hulkbuster armor would be overkill), was finished, polished, perfect— _wait_. It had undergone a subtle transformation. The kids and their marking pens; its belly now bright pumpkin orange (instead of gold with slimming red pinstripes), a jack-o-lantern face completing the thought; and kid #3 had added black neko-cat’s ears up to his nipples, and cat-whiskers surrounding the triangle nose. “Very funny, guys. What if Daddy has to fight the bad guys?”

“You’ll defeat them on cognitive dissonance alone,” Loki said. “Unless it’s the Green Goblin.”


	21. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected visitor

Loki was much more of a morning person than Tony, and the children took after him. The four were watching cartoons in the family-room-area of his formerly formal living room, and Tony had found a comfortable morning dozing position, with pillows covering his eyes and ears but not restricting his breathing. _Ah, peace_. Woke up on hearing a loud adult “Ow!,” and padded into the living room.

“What’s going on?”

“Well, the children had some questions about where babies come from.”

“Yeah?”

“And my latest one decided to shift, and Vali saw the outline of a hand, and gave it a high five. Through me. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Hey, Val,” Tony said. “What’s up, Bud?”

“Baby!” Vali said, excited.

“Yeah, I’ve got one, too.” He pointed at his own belly.

“No,” Loki corrected quietly, “that’s my monster. Not a baby.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Tony said to him in an as-quiet aside. And louder, to Vali, “Don’t be too rough with the baby. He may get too shy and not come out. Okay?”

“’Kay.”

“Good boy.”

Friday said, “Sirs? Captain Rogers is coming up the walkway.”

“Shoot.” (Tony was trying not to teach the children profanities.) “Okay, I’ll go to the door. Kids? Can you go to your room?”

“Baby?” asked Vali.

“I’ll go, too,” Loki said. “Come, Vali. Narfi, Apple?”

 

Tony put a big top over his sweat pants and went to the door.

“Stark?”

“Rogers?”

“Do you have Loki here?”

“Who wants to know?”

“Look, I know you’ve retired from superheroing, but … Thor tells me there are rumors from Asgard. Odin’s disappeared; Volstagg’s keeping the throne warm. Thor thought he maybe noticed something Loki-ish on Earth when he last visited Heimdall’s observatory. Loki’s cheated death before.”

“So? Any errant snowstorms? Rain of frogs? Why come to me?”

“Because Pepper can’t lie as well as you?”

“Look—no secret—I tracked down three children from my ill-spent youth, and they’re staying here. I’m a private citizen these days.”

“And you haven’t noticed anything else unusual?”

“With three three-year-olds in the house? I don’t think there is a normal anymore.”

Steve smiled. “You know, I like kids. Can I meet yours?”

 _Oh, hell_ , Tony thought. “Sure. Come on in.”

 

So of course a shield-less Captain America would be sitting on his living room floor.

And of course Tony’s gaggle of children would be fascinated by him. (Hell, Steve charmed everybody.)

And _of course_ a dark shadow would be walking from the hallway behind the Captain.

“I’m the nanny,” Loki said, wrapped in black transparent layers of robes.

“Sir? Ma’am?” Loki had thrust his belly forward, obviously pregnant, and Steve was always polite.

“You had questions about my nefarious activities? You may ask.”

“All right, then.” Steve backed up and sat on the couch. The children climbed up to join him, but he watched only Loki. “Are you planning to take over the Earth? Again?”

“Not presently.” Loki crossed the room to a chair at a conversational distance from the couch; sat. “Please don’t make such a mess of the planet that I have to intervene. I am not the _deus ex machina_ type.”

“What are your plans?”

“Perhaps to raise my family in peace?”

“ _Your_ family?” Tony interrupted.

“Oh, and Stark’s. But it would hurt them to have certain governments aware of them, wouldn’t you say?”

Tony crossed his arms and hoped Steve didn’t notice the pumpkin underneath his shirt. “I pledged to protect my children. And I will.”

“Yeah? Are they evil?” Steve _had to_ snark at Tony; it was a basis of their relationship.

“Not yet. You’ve met them. What do you think?”

The three children were looking at Steve like abandoned puppies in a pet shop. That _please take me home_ look (in this case, that _please don’t take me away again_ look).

Apple suddenly stood on the couch, raised a fist, and bopped Steve on the nose. “Don’t take us away. Don’t hit my Daddy. Don’t hit my Loki.”

“You guys think that way, too?” Steve asked the boys. Vali and Narfi stood shakily and nodded.

“I’m outnumbered.” He turned to Tony.

“Ask their teacher. They’re good kids. If strange.”

“I will.” Steve stood up to go.

“Bye-bye,” said Apple. “Be good. Blow something up.”


	22. Steve Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Steve to Stevie

Steve phoned in midweek to apologize. “Pepper straightened me out. I am told to expect great things from those kids.”

  
Loki had the children make Steve a friendship card, saying “nice to meet you” on the outside, and “hope to see you again some time” on the inside.

 

 

Loki’s baby was due not much later, Bruce having persuaded Loki that he should be on Dr. Olivier’s attending team, so he would know what to expect (hah) with Tony’s parturition. The god crept out of bed in the middle of the night, and would have delivered his child in private; but Friday contacted Dr. Banner. Magicked, Tony slept through it all, and woke up the next morning with a sleepy spouse in his bed holding a pastel-green-wrapped bundle in his arms. “This is Stevie.”

  
“Stevie, huh?”

  
“Named for your Captain. A mighty name for protection; this one will need it.”

  
Loki lowered the baby to a bare dark nipple, and Tony watched while Loki fed it.


	23. Four Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adjusting to a new face in the house

Life goes on.

 

Psychopath child Narfi has discovered crayons (a much larger range of colors than his markers provide). His favorite color is a raw hamburger pink. Tony gives him large pieces of paper and he draws on them on the floor, then assembles the pages. Crawls on Tony’s shrinking lap to read his story, upside-down with the pictures dripping down from the top of the page.

 

Vali is smitten with the baby, wanting to carry it everywhere; Tony devises a neck brace to protect the baby, and lets Stevie ride in Vali’s wagon, protected by threadbare Butterfingers. “Baby baby baby” Vali babbles happily.

 

Spoiled princess Apple is playing store; the other children and even Tony’s robots bring her objects in exchange for small, mysterious blue-wrapped packages. “Thank you, come again!” she says loudly to each.

Tony wants to buy a package on credit, and Apple pouts, “Coins only.”

“Why? Credit is a standard industry practice.”

“For the next customer, Daddy. What would I give the next customer?”

Tony sees the wisdom of this just-in-time inventory solution, returns with an Asgardian penny. The package he gets contains a flat metal washer (probably from U or Dummy, who don’t have access to petty cash). “Thank you, come again!” says Apple, and goes to wrap the penny.


	24. Ploughsharing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Narfi's robot has sharp toenails, as Tony is reminded in the middle of the night.

Vali gave Stevie his worn-out Butterfingers; then felt lonely in the middle of the night. He snuggled up to U guarding Narfi’s sleep; but U had metal claws, and Narfi, rolling over, grabbed him, too; and the claws scratched Vali. Who wailed.

Narfi woke with a snarl and his own hands extended in claws. Suddenly, Loki was between them, grabbing Narfi’s arm with one hand, wrapping the other around Vali and U, and dumped the whole mess of them on the parental bed.

“Solve this!”

Tony woke from a dream of claws and tentacles. “What?”

“The children are fighting. Solve this!”

Narfi bit Loki’s arm.

With difficulty, Tony sat up, scratched at his hair. “Um. Okay. First, everybody sit down! Loki, you too.”

Loki sat, Narfi’s teeth still in his arm; Vali sat, hugging U and getting scratched again for his trouble.

Tony thought, _I didn’t expect a family of cats_. “Okay, you guys, what happened?”

“Nnnh!” from Vali, gone wordless again.

Tony said, “Narfi, let go of Loki.” He un-bit, leaving a dark ring on Loki’s arm that was oozing blood.

“What happened?” Tony said, softer, to his little psychopath.

“He took my…”

“Why?” Loki mouthed, so Tony said “Do you know why?”

Narfi looked at his brother, clinging to U and whimpering. Looked at Loki.

“Lonely?” Loki suggested. “Needed a hug?”

Narfi nodded. “Needed a hug,” he told Tony.

There was a piece missing from the puzzle. “Vali, baby, where’s your robot? Where’s Butterfingers?”

Vali had contorted himself so that U’s claws no longer reached him, but still clung to the pink robot. “Baby!”

“Baby? You gave him to the baby?” Tony guessed.

“Baby!” Vali agreed.

“So,” said Loki, “four children, three kid robots, and Vali needs a hug. Narfi, what happens now?”

“Hug,” Narfi said, got up and walked across the blanket to his brother, and hugged him. Vali gave a soft sigh.

“All night?” Loki said, with a raised eyebrow. “ _Every_ night? How will you sleep?”

Narfi looked from Vali to the robot and back, and shoved U at his brother. “Hug!” (Vali again dodged the claws.)

“Every night? Do you want to give your brother your robot?”

A nod. Narfi could talk well to adults, but indulged Vali in his near-speechlessness. “Yes. His robot.”

“Vali, do you want U?” Tony asked. Vali started to drip silent tears. “Let’s make him safe, first.”

Loki grabbed the robot, passed it to Tony. “Ah. A simple fix,” Tony said. He pushed a finger under each claw, flipped it up quickly, and the metal claw sheath snapped off. He gathered the sharp objects and put them on the night stand. Handed the robot back to Loki; who handed it to Narfi; who handed it to Vali. “Okay?” Tony asked.

Narfi nodded; Vali nodded, smiled, and hugged the robot.

“You,” Tony pointed at U and Vali, “off to bed.” The robot meeped agreement.

Narfi was standing on the blanket, too. “Narfi, not so fast. Your robot scratched Vali. I let that go, because he kind of caused that, and because you did a good thing, a wonderful generous thing, in giving U to him. But you also bit Loki. My Loki. _Your_ Loki. What do you say?”

Narfi seemed to grow two years older without Vali there. “M’sorry,” he told Loki.

“Shall I bite you, in return?” Loki asked.

The boy held out his arm. Loki looked him in the eye, bent down, and kissed it. “We do not return violence for violence in this house,” he said.

Tony said, “Hey, Narf, would you like to sleep with me tonight? Or Loki? Or both?” The boy shook his head. “Okay, tomorrow we’ll get together and design your next robot. How does that sound?”

The kid’s face lit up; then he yawned.

“Off to bed,” said Loki, taking the boy out.

 

“I think the kids are gonna be okay,” Tony said the next evening, after Narfi had made his first ‘bot (and named it Fenrir), and the children had gone to bed.


	25. False labor.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tony does not give birth.

How the hell do you predict when a monster will be born? Tony thought he was going into labor, but the cramps went away during an overnight hospital session. Bruce came into the hospital room in the morning.

“Tony, go home. I’ll let you get dressed; Loki’s here.” And to Loki, in an aside: “Don’t tell him.”

Tony overheard. “Don’t tell me what?”

Loki said, “You are fine, dear; nothing to do with your condition. But you should come home and rest.”

“I can rest here, if it comes to it. What aren’t you telling me?” Looking from one to another.

Loki sighed. “How deep is your succession plan?”

“Asgard wants you back?”

Sighed again. “For the business.”

“We’ve got a board. Plans in place. Pepper runs all that. Why?”

Now Loki and Bruce were looking at another: not a good sign. Bruce shrugged with a _you-do-it_ look to Loki.

“Beyond Pepper.”

“Why.”

“Because there has been an accident. A plane is missing over Asian waters. Pepper and her husband were on the flight.”

“What? One of ours? Stark planes don’t fall out of the sky.”

“A contractor’s plane. It was leased.”

“Is Rhodes running the search?”

“Among others.”

“You?”

“No; SHIELD won’t accept my help.”

“Bruce?”

“I’m going to the lab to monitor radiation now. It’s really better if you go home and don’t panic.”

Tony looked from one to the other of them. This was a nightmare he _hadn’t_ had. Something was off. Tony pulled himself out of bed, and whispered roughly in Loki’s ear. “You _knew_ this was going to happen. You shit. You absolute fucker.”

 

Tony spent the next two days in a rage, checking his own sources, liaising with SHIELD, and breaking into intelligence feeds of various foreign nations. Nothing. It was as if the plane had ceased to exist. And only one bastard he knew could do that…

“You had to have me for yourself?” They were in the kitchen; Loki was preparing a giant meal for himself (still eating for two), while Tony was drinking some green sludge and wishing to hell he could have real coffee.

“Beg pardon?”

“You gonna kill the kids, after this? Too selfish to share me with anyone?”

Loki sat down, bit into a wheat bread and sprouts and lots-of-not-visible-food sandwich. Swallowed. “What are you talking about?”

“You wouldn’t bring back dream-Pepper. Now you’ve killed real Pepper. _And_ Happy. Why?”

Loki put down his two-handed sandwich. “Tony. I didn’t kill them. And I have no intention of killing my children.”

“ _But you could have saved them_! And you didn’t.”

“It is as I told your Captain. I am not a miracle-producer, Tony. I am a tired mother with a hungry child. Things happen that I am not responsible for.”

“You’re still a shit.”

“That is my monster talking, not you.”

Tony stormed out, back to his monitoring station in the lab.


	26. End of the Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bargain comes to an end...

But a few days later, Tony’s time comes for real. With no uterus to expel the child, instead his whole body is wrung dry by rippling cramps. He wants to watch the birth like other moms get to for Caesarians: just put a screen, give him a strong spinal block, right? But Bruce vetoes that, and Tony goes under for real. Wakes up feeling dry-mouthed, light-headed, light-bodied, floating. Empty. He tries to sit up, abruptly, and the pain knocks him down again. 

Loki, sitting at his bedside, says “You need to relax. Let me milk you.”

Tony expects that warm mouth on his crotch; but instead can only lie there as Loki pulls up his gown, sucks one then the other nipple, for one fierce long breath each. Steals all his milk.

“What the hell?” Tony sputters.

Loki gives him a hard look. “How can you feed my monster now, eh?”

“ _Your_ monster?”

“I thank you for serving as my vessel, but now you and I are done. Our agreement is complete. You have your family; I shall take my monster and go.”

“No way, Rumplestiltskin,” Tony said. “You don’t get it, do you? You don’t understand. It’s not your monster. It’s _our_ child.”

Loki smiles, wide and fierce. “Is that how you see it?”

“Damn straight. Fuck this monster shit. I have responsibilities to our five _beautiful_ children, and this one gets the love, too. You in or you out?”

“In,” Loki said, and knelt by the bed, his head bowed. “Shall I tell you about the arrangements for the Hogans?” he quietly asked.

“You planned their funerals?”

“No. I saved your friends.”

“And didn’t tell me. You _are_ a shit.”

“Yes.”

“My shit.”

“Yes,” said Loki, with the same wide smile. “Now would you like to meet our beautiful daughter?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, Rumpelstiltskin's last bargain with the princess was that unless she could guess his name, he would get to keep her child.


	27. Epilogue

Tony and Loki lived happily ever after, except for the times while Loki was ruling Asgard, making crop circles, or otherwise engaged in inexplicable activities.

Apple succeeded Pepper as CEO of Stark Industries, after serving as US Secretary of the Treasury. (Her major achievement in government was determining the exchange rate for Asgardian gold).

Vali went on to work with Bruce-as-medical-doctor, becoming a world-renowned child psychologist; children were safe in his presence.

Narfi succeeded Tony as Chief Research Officer and Pyrotechnician of Stark Industries. Freddy the Child Protection Robot (a much more marketable name than Fenrir) became an important Stark product.

Steevi—who rearranged the letters in his/her name—became world-famous as a fashion model, then as a pop singer, then as an actor.

And Maria Frigga Lokadottir Stark made her own path in life, and was only called Monster in the year she first Discovered Boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was only going to be Ch 1, with Loki a Grinch-colored Santy Claus, but then the muse whispered to me “then Tony woke up.” Trickster muse.
> 
> Dear Pepperoni lovers,  
> Sorry this fic did not go in that direction. It was more important for Tony to respect Pepper (and her choices), even if Apple was less obliging. 
> 
> Dear readers in general:  
> Thank you all for the comments!  
> Norse writings are ambiguous as to which of Loki and Sigyn's sons became a wolf, and which was slain by his brother. I went with wolf Narfi.
> 
> Tony wants his stuff, not out of greed, but out of a fierce two-way loyalty befitting a parent or a monarch. Before, this loyalty was underused; he only had his robots to love. Whereas Loki had to test Tony over and over, due to his own trust issues. (Notice he didn’t lie in Chapter 25, just didn’t tell the whole truth.) Yeah, Loki is a shit, but he made Tony’s family possible, so give him a (little) break, okay?


End file.
